Divorce and family law disputes oftentimes create a very difficult conundrum. The parties, who likely have had many disagreements about countless subjects, are in a position where their financial and emotional wellbeing may be closely tied to their ability to work cooperatively. Unfortunately, the history between the parties can carry all sorts of emotional baggage that manifests in unwillingness to compromise, overreactions, and unrelenting conflict.

As family law attorneys, we can’t really solve every problem. We can help parties craft detailed plans and judgments that try to cover every scenario, but life oftentimes gets in the way and there are still many people in the world who will be inescapably drawn to conflict. If you’re trying to coexist in one of these unhealthy relationships, you may be asking yourself, how do you deal with a toxic person? Or how do I co-parent in a high conflict situation? One suggestion would be to just ignore the combative person. But when you absolutely have to communicate with the opposing party, one approach is to follow the BIFF method of communication.

BIFF communication is communication that is Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly. Each element is important to limiting conflict and is discussed below:

Brief communication includes correspondence that gets straight to the point of what you need to talk about. It doesn’t involve going back and forth with insults or bringing up things from the past that aren’t relevant to what you are talking about.

Informative communication requires messages to provide the other party with important information that they need to understand what is happening. It doesn’t include accusations, opinions, arguments, or a lot of unnecessary detail.

Firm communication requires parties to be clear and certain about what they are doing or what questions they are asking. It doesn’t include drifting into unrelated topics or wishy washy proposals or answers.

Friendly communication doesn’t mean that you have to invite the other side over for Christmas dinner or being disingenuously complimentary or affectionate. It does, however, require parties to be mindful of what they are saying and avoid needless insults or aggression.

Mastering all of the elements of BIFF communication will likely be a work in progress and may be very hard with a difficult opposing party. However, maintaining communications that meet all four prongs can be considerably helpful in having productive and less adversarial contact with your ex.