1. Don’t Panic

You can get wrapped up in thinking of all kinds of things that you are afraid of. The most common fears are that you won’t have enough money, or that you won’t be able to see your children often. Most of these things are not going to happen. When you act out of fear, you do things that will cause fear in the other person and then he or she will also act out of fear. This is how divorces get ugly and expensive.

2. Don’t Make Emotional Decisions

I had a client who insisted that she needed to purchase a home at the beach during her divorce case. I advised her to wait, but she did not listen to my advice. She bought the house. Soon, she realized that it rained a lot on the coast and that her children all lived in Portland and that she didn’t see them enough. She had made an emotional decision that proved not to be a good one.

3. Don’t Make Quick Decisions

When you are going through a divorce, you need to give yourself a break. You are sad and stressed out. You are not even functioning at 100%. You might only be functioning at 60% or even 30%. Now is not the time to make any decisions. You are not ready. Turn to your family and friends for support. Take it slow. Nothing needs to be done quickly. Quick decisions are bad decisions.

4. Don’t Hold On To The House If You Can’t Afford It

I often have clients who want to keep the house so that the children won’t be disrupted and will graduate from high school in the family home. Other times, my client just can’t face the thought of packing and moving when he or she is already not functioning well because of the stress of the divorce. I totally understand both of these reasons for keeping the house. I once had a client who insisted on keeping the family home with a mortgage payment of close to $4,500 a month! I asked him how he was able to sleep at night with that mortgage payment hanging over his head. Imagine the daily stress he was under trying to service that mortgage payment. Sometimes your house can become a weight around your neck causing you stress each month because it is so expensive and so much work to take care of, etc. Sometimes it is better to start fresh, as scary as that sounds, and have the freedom of being able to spend your money and your time on your family instead of your house.

5. Don’t Hold On To Anger And Resentment

Sometimes your spouse has ‘done you wrong’. You were blindsided and it’s painful. You have to start over. I have seen clients who stay so sad even years after the divorce. They continue to feel sorry for themselves because of what happened. But staying in the sadness, self pity and anger only hurts you. Time heals all wounds. Let yourself be hopeful. Let yourself be positive. Being happy is the best revenge. Dream and build your new beautiful life.

6. Do Plan Your Next Career Move

You may have been out of the work force for a little while or a long while. My brother’s wife just started back to work after 15 years of being a stay at home mom at 48 years old. It is a difficult transition. You may need some retraining. You may have to start at the bottom. But it is good to make a plan. Even if you are going to be getting spousal support, it is always the right thing to do to make a plan for going back to work. If your kids are still little, it may start out only part time. If you need an education, find out how much that will cost and how long it will take. Research potential salaries for the jobs you might apply for after you graduate. Dream about what kind of career you would like to have. This is part of rebuilding your new beautiful life.

7. Do Plan To Save For Your Retirement

No matter what your age, it is never too early to start saving for retirement. Some day, you will want to stop working. You will need to be able to live on the money that you have saved for that time. Do you have a plan of how much money you will need to live on at that time and how you are going to save it? I find it rather scary how often my clients come to me in their 40’s and 50’s with little to no savings. Or, worse, they may have a bunch of credit card debt. Divorce makes tight finances even tighter. But if you are in your 40’s it is your responsibility to be saving as much as you can for retirement. It has to be one of your major financial goals. This is so important for your happy future.

8. Do Hire An Attorney You Trust And Work As A Team

I am honored to be able to walk through one of the most difficult times of life with my clients and to be their trusted advisor. We need to work as a team. As I explain the process of your divorce to you, I will give you ways that we can work together to be a great team. I want you to have the outcome in your divorce that will set you up for a great future. Sometimes I will have to talk you out of emotional thinking. One thing I will always do is not escalate an already stressful situation. You may feel as though you are being attacked by your soon to be ex or her attorney. However, I will often advise you to keep your cool and remember that their words are just their opinion, nothing else.

9. Do Keep Your Children Out of Your Divorce

This is your divorce and it is an adult matter. Children do not need to hear about how badly you are being treated by their other parent, and they need to be shielded from seeing you fall apart. It is scary for them to see that. As much as possible, your children need to know that you and their other parent love them and will continue to be a family in a different way now. You will be a family because you will continue to co-parent your children. Your spouse is not going away after the divorce and will always be a part of your life if you have children together. Parents who do not work together to share parenting time in a cooperative manner, place a ton of stress on their children. I have seen it manifest itself in high anxiety and acting out behaviors in children. It is rarely “all the other parent’s fault.” You can only change your part of the dynamic and if you can change it, your children will reap the benefits.

10. Do Take Care of Yourself

If you are not ok—you won’t be able to be there for your children or others in your life who need you. Divorce is in a sense a time to be selfish. It is a huge change from what you know and are comfortable with. It can cause feelings of shame, loneliness and loss. This is all normal. You need to grieve your divorce. For some, it takes longer than others. Some people have already grieved the end of the marriage while still in the marriage. Others don’t know it is over until late in the divorce and may still have the hope of reconciliation. Go through the process at your own pace, but remember, just because life feels so different doesn’t mean it is “wrong.” It just means that you have gone through a major change. Life is about change. I once heard that in the term “survival of the fittest,” the “fittest” were not the strongest or the fastest, but the ones who were most adaptable to change. I wish you many blessings on your journey and I promise you that your life will become happy again. It just takes time.