Settler’s Remorse after Mediation

Settler’s Remorse after Mediation is something that comes up often. Mediation is one of the very best options for reaching a settlement in your family law case. Most of our clients don’t want to go to court if they can avoid it. Mediation is a big and important day. Your life and your future are at stake. Picture the day of mediation. You and your lawyer are sitting in one room in the law office. Your spouse and your spouse’s lawyer are sitting in another room.

Hopefully, you brought snacks and other supplies to get through the long day. The mediator comes into your room and spends time listening to you and your lawyer and then is gone to go into the other room. The mediator is gone for an hour. Then it’s your turn again. The mediator wants you to make an offer of settlement. You make one and the mediator takes it to the other side. The mediator is gone for another hour. Then the mediator comes back with a counter-offer for you and your attorney to discuss. The mediator leaves while you and your attorney discuss the offer and make a new offer. Your attorney goes to get the mediator and you all three discuss the new offer you are making. Then the mediator goes to give the offer to the other side. You guessed it. Gone for an hour. And it goes on and on.

You fell your spouse is not being reasonable. You are still far apart on most of the issues that need to be resolved. Your attorney talks you into making bigger compromises. The mediator tells you what might happen to you in court if you don’t get it all resolved that day. You are exhausted. You are starving. You weren’t able to take a break for lunch. You need to stretch your legs. Your mind is in a fog and you are emotional and frazzled. Your attorney is fighting for you, but your attorney also knows that you want to settle if possible.

It is the end of the day and the kids need to be picked up from daycare.  You call and get another hour, but that hour is soon gone and no one wants the day to be wasted. So, a settlement is reached. You think you are happy that it is over and you rush out to get your kids. Later that night you call all of your friends and family and tell them what happened. Several people think you could have done better and shouldn’t have settled. You start stewing and wondering if this was a good deal or not. You are upset and believe that the outcome could have been better.

Then you call your attorney the next morning and let her know you don’t want to go through with the settlement. This is what is called Settler’s Remorse after Mediation. It is not a good call for an attorney to get. Everyone worked so hard the day before but now you are unhappy and don’t want to go through with the deal.

What can your attorney and you do to avoid Settler’s Remorse after Mediation?

1.  I no longer will do an all-day Mediation. I now only do 5-hour mediations and will sometimes stretch to 6 hours. However, some attorneys I know will do 10 and 12-hour mediations on into the night. In my opinion, my client won’t be able to make a well-reasoned decision if he is tired and foggy. After 5 hours, our clients need a break. Sometimes it is good for them to go home and talk to all of their family and friends and bring back those concerns to the second day of mediation. Time to think is never a bad thing.
2. I like to prepare my client the day before mediation and talk to her about compromise. Mediation is all about compromise. It is worth it to compromise to avoid having a Judge make the final decision where you don’t have any say at all. In mediation, you do have a say. But you need to compromise within a range of outcomes that your attorney thinks is fair.
3. During mediation, I encourage my client to eat, to go outside and walk and take breaks and to call family members or friends who will help them make a good decision. Take the time, don’t rush.
4. I always type up the entire settlement as we are working on it. The parties need to see the document and sign it before they leave. Once a settlement is reached and signed, the parties have a final agreement that can likely not be changed even if one side changes his or her mind.
5. I tell my client that if you sign this, it is final and you can’t change your mind. Take your time. Make sure this is what you want to do. Even think about it overnight if you need to.

Reaching a settlement agreement in Mediation is a great way to resolve your family law case–but it is important to go through the process in the best way that you can so that you are making a good decision, and avoid Settler’s Remorse after Mediation that’s one that you won’t regret in the morning!