A recent video that was making the rounds on social media depicted a hard-to-imagine scenario. In the video, a father stops while he is walking his daughter down the aisle at her wedding. The father stops so that he can ask his daughter’s stepfather to join him in the honor of leading her to say her vows. The bride and the two men all beam with joy as the scene unfolds. Viewers and commentators all remarked how incredible and special the moment must have been for that family.

But many people may also wonder how in the world this all came to pass. While the participants may be the only people who truly know, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that everyone involved was, whether they knew it or not, part of a child-centered divorce. In other words, a divorce, separation, or family law situation where the parents emphasized the importance of caring for the children.

When you’re caught up in a divorce, separation or custody dispute, it is easy to get the feeling as though you need to “win” or “beat” the other side. However, that does not help the child or children caught in the middle of two parents. The inability of two parents to coexist peacefully for the sake of their children can easily cause lifelong problems for the children. A child-centered approach can help alleviate the impact that the child or children face. Parents who truly wish to try to protect their children from as much unpleasantness as possible would benefit from trying the following:

1. Focus on YOUR relationship with the children.

A quick way to make children feel the impact of their parents going their separate ways is to forget about your relationship with the children. It is very easy to get preoccupied worrying about what the other parent may or may not be trying to do. Allowing yourself to get lured into games or be overly concerned with the other parent will undoubtedly cost you meaningful, quality time with your children. Maintaining your focus on your relationship with your child will
reassure the child that you are reliable and available for them.

2. Work toward RECOVERY and not toward revenge.
Having your parents separate can create a significant emotional wound for children and parents who can’t move on from their issues with the other parent prevent that wound from healing. Each dispute or shot fired at the other parent is the emotional equivalent of pouring dirt and grime directly into an open physical wound. Like a physical wound, the more that it is allowed to fester, the  more unlikely it is that it will ever heal without significant scarring. Giving the child a real opportunity to heal and recover is the most realistic way of limiting the long-term effects for the child.

3. Don’t needlessly prolong the divorce or separation.

Neil Sedaka said it best when he sang “breaking up is hard to do.” The longer you stay in that misery, the longer it will take for you to heal and the longer and more intense that your child’s experience will be. As such, it behooves parents to act reasonably and diligently so that everyone involved can start healing as soon as possible.

4. Stay out of Court as much as possible.

Both parents have legal rights associated with their children and it is important to stand up for those rights. However, knowing when and how to compromise with the other parent is an incredibly valuable skill that all parents should try to acquire. The more issues that are left up to a court to decide, the more that the parents will end up fighting, and the more that their children will have to endure the consequences of their parents’ inability to work together.