What to do when your ex is misbehaving.

Through the iconic cartoon character, Calvin, the great American cartoonist, Bill Watterson, once wrote, “In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”

If you’re in the midst of a divorce, a child custody dispute or other family law issue, you might find yourself yearning for such a cure. While we wait for scientists to crack the code, the unfortunate reality is that we all have to deal with people who are unpleasant or possibly unwilling to coexist with any kind of civility.

You may find yourself asking:

  • What do I do if my spouse is being a jerk?
  • What will the court do to stop a bully?
  • How can I co-parent with a narcissist?

Certainly, every situation will have its own unique issues and concerns that need to be appropriately considered and weighed. For example, if your spouse is physically abusive, there is definite and certain action that you can and should take to protect yourself. However, that same protection isn’t necessarily available if the other side is simply being rude or childish.

In most situations, the important thing to remember is that you are responsible for your actions. For the most part, you can’t control the other person’s actions, but how you behave can have a significant impact on your case and your future.

The problem is similar to a situation often played out by children. If, for example, an older brother calls his younger brother a “dork” and the younger brother reacts by kicking his older brother in the groin, the younger brother is probably going to be in as much if not more trouble with his parents.

In the divorce context, if your soon-to-be-ex-spouse sends you a nasty e-mail, it may be something that could be presented in Court or to an evaluator that may help your case. If, similar to the younger brother reacting to his older brother, you have responded with your own snarky or nasty e-mail, you may have destroyed any positive impact that may have had on your case. Put another way, this isn’t a rap battle and you don’t earn anything by having a witty comeback or a sicker insult to the other side.

As another example, if your co-parent tells the children that you are a bad parent, you’re not likely to prove that you are a good parent by telling the children that your co-parent is a bad person or leaving a blistering voicemail. Instead, you’ll now have your children thinking that their parents hate each other and feeling like they are caught up in the middle of their parents’ battle.

A larger issue that should also be considered is that, regardless of what happens with your case, you may be dealing with this person for a very long time even after your case is completed. The effects of your behavior during your case may have long-lasting consequences for you, your children, and your relationship with everyone involved in your case.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. No matter how you choose to say it, success in your case and your future can oftentimes depend on your behavior. In getting out of an unpleasant situation, if you’re not making sure that you are putting your best foot forward, you may find yourself really stepping into something even worse.