What is Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Richard Alan Gardner (1931 – 2003) was an American child and adolescent psychiatrist who coined the term “parental alienation syndrome” (PAS). He described the syndrome as one parent psychologically manipulating a child so that the child shows unwarranted fear, disrespect, or hostility for the other parent.

Is Parental Alienation Syndrome accepted as a psychological syndrome?

For much of his career, Dr. Garner attempted to get his theory accepted by his peers, but the establishment refused to include PAS in the DSM-V (which lists accepted psychological syndromes).  But the related concept of parental alienation is recognized as a dynamic in some divorces when a child becomes estranged from one parent.

How does parental alienation affect you?

If you are in a situation where you have separated from your spouse or partner and have started a parenting plan during your family law case, you may find that your children seem to be more reluctant to embrace their parenting time with you.  Tempers flare, anger grows, and controlling and manipulating abounds.  The other parent begins to sabotage parenting time by denying it and influencing the children to shy away from you, leading to a breakdown of your relationship with your children. Two elements persist: 1. Control; and 2. High emotion.

What can you do about it? 

This is one of the most heartbreaking things we have seen at our law firm.  Don’t give up on your kids!  It is a very difficult to hang in there with your kids when they are hostile to you.  But, you can try to have happy moments with them whenever you can.  You can ask if they will go to counseling with you to improve the relationship.  It is often helpful to have their friends over, or your friends over during parenting time, to ease up the tension and to encourage everyone to be on their best behavior and to have fun together.

Judges can normally figure out if one of the parents is playing games and using parenting time as a weapon. And judges dislike it to the extent that they will sometimes grant custody to the alienated parent in egregious circumstances.

Sometimes a parent will focus on getting his or her “fair share” of parenting time, when it is too late (because the alienation has already occurred and it is serious), and the kids are dug in on their black and white (negative) thinking about that parent.  It may mean giving in on some things that aren’t fair. But when parental alienation is going on it is sometimes easier for the kids to give in to the alienating parent just to keep their lives as peaceful as possible. Think long term and work on improving your relationship for when your kids are over 18.  You want them to want to be with you when there is no parenting plan.  This will take patience, baby steps, and small successes.  But your kids will know that you were always there for them and hopefully will come around someday.  We have seen wonderful turnarounds in our law practice and we celebrate the miracle of each one!