For divorced or otherwise separated parents, sharing parenting time is one of the lasting issues that can continue to cause friction long after they have stopped living together.

When someone is so inextricably tethered to someone that they may not have the nicest feelings toward, it isn’t unheard of for issues to become magnified and disputes to arise. However, it is important to remember that many people have been in similar or worse situations and that they have been able to successfully coexist.

Take, for example, the unique story of Choi Eun-hee and Shin Sang-ok. In the 1950s and 60s, Shin was known as that “Prince of Korean Cinema” as he was one of South Korea’s best-known film directors. Choi was one of the biggest stars in Korean film during this same time period and together, as husband and wife, they operated one of South Korea’s most successful film production companies during the Golden Age of South Korean cinema. By 1976, however, Choi and Shin’s relationship had deteriorated and the couple divorced.

Choi and Shin’s films were beloved by many throughout Korea, including a gentleman who would rise to become the Eternal Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-il. Upset by the dissolution of their marriage and in need of a director and actress for propaganda films and to bolster the North Korean film industry, Kim Jong-il sought to reunite the couple.

In 1978, Choi was kidnapped in Hong Kong by the order of Kim Jong-il and taken to North Korea. Six months later, Shin was also kidnapped and imprisoned in North Korea for three years. After his “release” Shin was moved into the home where Choi was being held and, at the direction of Kim Jong-il, the two were forced to remarry and live as husband and wife. They were also instructed to make films that would propel the North Korean film industry to its greatest heights.

In the years that followed their unwanted reunion, Choi and Shin made several films for the North Korean dictator while secretly plotting their eventual escape. Despite their past differences, the couple worked together toward a common goal: get out of North Korea. Ultimately, they obtained recordings of Kim Jong-Il admitting that he had them kidnapped. The couple then persuaded Kim Jong-il to allow them to take a trip to Vienna in 1986, where they broke free from their North Korean caretakers and sought political asylum at the U.S. embassy.

This story certainly isn’t shared to suggest that your children or former partner are ruthless tyrants who are holding you hostage in one of the world’s most repressive governments, but it may feel as though the terms of your new parenting plan aren’t that far off.

The lesson that can be gleaned from Choi and Shin’s incredible story is that it is possible to cooperate with your former partner in order to accomplish a greater good. When it comes to the well-being of your children and limiting the disruptions in their lives, there isn’t any other goal that is more important.

A 2004 article from the American Psychological Association (http://www.apa.org/about/gr/issues/cyf/divorce.aspx) has explained that “while children of divorced parents overall have more adjustment problems than children of intact families, the differences between these two groups is smaller and less pronounced than previously believed.” However, a civil relationship between the parents is crucial to limiting the adjustment problems in children. The article goes on to explain that “[t]he manner in which parents resolve conflict has been determined to affect child adjustment. Chronic, unresolved conflict is associated with greater emotional insecurity in children. Fear, distress, and other symptoms in children are diminished when parents resolve their conflicts and when they use compromise and negotiation methods rather than verbal attacks. The beneficial effects of these more resolution-oriented behaviors have been reported whether or not they are directly observed by the child.”

Accordingly, it is extremely important that parents who are no longer married or romantically involved with each other work together in a productive manner that demonstrates compromise and respect for the other parent.

Here are a few tips for working together:

  1.  Be flexible.  If the other parent has a special event he or she wants to go to with your children on your parenting time, allow it.  Hopefully you will receive the same favor sometime.
  2. Do more.  Do more of the driving.  Pay for clothes and extra curricular activities.  The other parent will see your generosity and follow suit.
  3. Communicate.  Let the other parent know about significant things that are happening like doctor’s appointments, practices, school events, family events and incidents that happened on your parenting time.  You are co-parenting and sharing of this information helps you both to be on the same page.
  4. Enforce the rules the same way.  If your child is grounded from electronics for a week in the other home, back the other parent up and enforce the grounding in your home too.  Don’t let your child play both sides against the middle.
  5. Be respectful to the other parent.  When you are doing exchanges of your children, or when you have to have a conversation with the other parent, be respectful.  Your children are watching.  Don’t say negative things about their other parent.

Your actions will have a long term affect on your children.  Your actions will determine how they feel about themselves when they grow up and how they view marriage and relationships.  Your actions will also determine your lifelong relationship with your grown children.  If you want to have a great relationship with your children after they are all grown up–follow these tips and remember the lesson learned from Choi and Shen.